What am I doing? What always puts me in this disabling place of mind? I wish I could stop asking questions and start on the solutions. I know wishing won't get me shit, but I feel as if that's all that I can do. Instead of help myself, I can only wallow in my misery and my dismal past. i want everything to be okay, I want everyone I love to be happy, I want to be of help and not hinder.

As I try every day to quit this vicious cycle, I feel as though I push away the ones I try so hard not to lose. I remember losing people all the time, and it catching up to me. It's okay for a while, then it all comes at once, like the waves at the beach that always catch you off guard.

I can never stop trying. If I ever stop trying, I feel like all will go to shit.

What is wrong with the society and the media today that makes young, beautiful girls truly put themselves in such a harsh, negative light. An 11 year old girl, the pride of her mother, glowing little girl, stood up in front of an audience and pointed to all the things she could do to her face via plastic surgery. Including botox, nose jobs, and liposuction. These healthy, beautiful girls are hurting themselves everyday for the sake of fake beauty. Some of the most beautiful things in this world are not a face or an object. They could be a moment, or a few words. It just makes me so sad to see these beautiful girls hate the way they look because of what they see in magazines or shows. Every day, in the ladies' room, theres always someone pointing to what they don't like about themselves, and the lack of self worth saddens me.

As i write, this sweet faced 10 year old girl starts to point out on a picture of herself of what she hates. Yes, she uses the word hate to describe her face. She goes on to tell the audience that she comes home every day and cries. Her mother tells her she is beautiful and wants her to have the confidence she deserves. I see these beautiful, bright, sweet, glowing young girls explain to groups of people how much they hate themselves. Women are more than body parts, more than an object to fix. There is one message from the media to these girls, that we are only beautiful if look a certain way, that we are only beautiful if we are a certain skin color.

One 9 year old blonde girl tells her mother that she sees a monster in the mirror. She points at herself. She wonders why she doesn't look like the girl on tv. They hate their eyes, their skin, their lips, and have no self esteem at all. The cute 9 year old skips dinner sometimes because she believes her cheeks are too round. She talks about how she embarrasses herself. She won't go outside and it is a fight to make her eat. A lot of the time, adults have insecurities, but these are young girls, 9,10,and 11. Self esteem in young girls is very important, and we are ALL beautiful.

Belief

Why is it that we feel the need to trust one another so wholeheartedly? Even the fact that this is put in form of question proves a point of distrust. now is it distrust of one's self or of other people? there must be a bit of both. One feeds on the other. No one completely trusts another person, nor do they themselves. It's almost as though people ask this question " Do you trust me?" as an initiation, as though the trust given could pass some sort of test. Truth is, we never pass our own tests.

Another is where you believe in some one person so much, you forget what you are. That one person/being can let your faith down so fast, you can't see straight. That one person will get scared and forget all about their false promises.

The gay pride parade was very fun, with friends :)

Though the day was hot, the four of us met some wonderful people and I believe learned some too

you know how you stand and stand in line for the most incredible roller coaster you've ever dared to attempt? anticipation swelling, minute by minute, you choose to wait to ride the front car, and finally it's your turn.

they buckle you in, lock you in. hook engaged, the chain jerks you forward. you start to climb. crank. crank. crank. cresting to the top, time moves into overtime, as you wait for that scant hesitation before you drop, knowing you cant turn back. you know how you feel at that instant? well thats exactly how you feel when you shake hands with the monster.

want to cry, want to scream, urge to dance, to ride the current, sweeping me away.

parabola

have you ever had one of those days where you just want to go away from everything, sleep for a long time, and be held by someone who loves you, whether its a significant other, a parent, a friend, etc? i get those a lot. to some extent, all of us want that vacation, that getaway. we cant run away, we can only fix things i guess, and thats a llot harder said than done, believe me.
we want to stop hurting the ones we love. some of the craziest things we do is for people we care about, whether they know about it or not. thats frustrating. oh, to be loved, what is that? why is one of our most important task to us to care for those around us? self preservation goes out for care. why is that? sometimes its only for people we have attached to in some way, some for complete strangers. not out of obligation, seeing as there is no obligation in care for strangers.
all these bad things that happen day to day are forgiven, these bad dreams forgotten, memories cleansed. maybe we all need to move on. write a goodbye letter. god knows ive written many. i only wish i could have written and sent them earlier than hindsight. but what do we do? we move on. we go to meet new people, and acheive that glow when you connect with someone new. its only then, you can help find who you are through the experiences of other people. the beauty of friendships.
some of the time we get angry. we get so frustrated with EVERYTHING around us, we want to be by ourselves, not have to compensate for others. but we never really realize how much those presences really help untlil they are gone. ita general saying that you dont know what you have until its gone.
a lot of things happen when we want. i really wish that was every day, all the time. but it doesnt, and some things never happen, and we tear ourselves apart for it. well, heres where it stops. things arent going to work out that way? okay, we will use less drastic wording. instead of terrible, its unfortunate. instead of embarassing, its a story to tell later. stories are always fun, and if someone cares, theyd love to hear them. i know i always love a good story. theres another thing. people should tell more stories to each other. uplifting, helpful ones. we all learn from them, more than in any classroom or course. thats the problem with classroom education, people get bored and unhappy, and from there its a downward spiral. the lack of empathy disturbs me at times. as im sure it does to many of people, fellow caring individuals.